My crazy to Amazing

A person diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, now with no current sign of malignancy ... I honestly doubted I would get here. Stage 4 cancer plays with your mind and your body. It plays with the numbers and odds. Am I now a winner?  Did I beat it? So long as the treatment remains effective, I am reminded. What about the tumor marker that is in an upward motion? Are they just beguiling little lies? What about the lingering shortness of breath, the random twinge of pain in my right chest? Are they evidence that my mind has fooled my body into behaving like I have cancer? Another chance to live again. Caution remains. Don't be foolish. Breathe without Caution You have a day, and another day, and another day after that.  Enjoy, Express yourself, Engage in living again...Everyday. You've got this!

Cancer diagnosis and treatment is well....a huge roller coaster ride. Test results came back today with the best news ever!! No evidence of malignancy.  The treatment is working! Exhale. SHINE!!

Ever notice those little typos in my blog posts? Accidental? Carelessness? Deliberate? Hurried?   My mind auto corrects each one of them blinding me before I publish.  Why not edit them once discovered? Maybe it's like piecing a homemade quilt? A little flaw only adds character and reminds me that perfection is illusive and in some situations not fully desirable.  Truthful full disclosure?  I would go back and edit each and every typo if it didn't change the original published date and reorder the entire blog.  (Notice "Holding hands with my cat" date and time stamp changed.) So, flawed I continue to write and publish publicly hoping that meaning conquers grammar.  I will save the grammar exercises for other arenas. Or, perhaps I'll proofread in reverse to reveal those pesky little errors before publishing.  It is an idea anyway. 

Sometimes I think I would have enjoyed being with Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, discovering the individual characteristics of all of Gods creations before corruption entered the world. Or maybe, I would have participated in the creation before man was formed from dust and ideas evolved into living organisms. I love to look at plants in a garden, examine the soil and creatures above and below the earth with my naked eye.  As a child I noticed colors,  textures, and smells (experienced more as sensations breezing through taste buds on my tongue due to my chronically stuff nose). Would I have named a flower a rose or a rabbit a bunny,  or a bird an eagle or a sparrow? Were names a revelation or recollection from pre-mortal knowledge like when Adam named Eve? I wonder.

There are moments where circumstances of my life or my inner critic leads to thoughts so significant that I feel a momentum swelling up into an emotional tsunami. My primitive brain screams "I am going to die!" and my body shouts "Hey, wait for me!!" Everything within me cautions me to protect, withdraw, and/or hide powerless. Much like a true tsunami these experiences often occur after a brief peaceful spell when I feel capable and I have experienced a glimpse of the divine within me. Why the PTSD, I sometimes wonder? What happened in my life that brings such a strong reaction to my fears? I cannot seem to draw a solid reasonable conclusion but at the base, my self-doubt can be a deep cavern. I recently learned a new way of self talk when I feel the sand shifting beneath my feet.  "I don't have to create the tsunami. I can dip my toes in the water. I am uncomfortable but nothing has gone wrong here. It is just a false alarm. I am ok." It is amazing ho...

Yesterday I heard an explanation of perfection. It is like a straight line that we cannot walk. Instead we walk paths in an up and down motion which periodically intersects with the straight line, and at those moments we experience perfection. I think of joy that way. Periodically throughout life we intersect with moments of pure joy. They are not lasting, but they occur often enough that recognize the intersection and desire it to last.

 "Lord, I would Follow Thee"    Text:   Susan Evans McCloud, b. 1945. © 1985 IRI                                                         Music:  K. Newell Dayley, b. 1939. © 1985 IRI This hymn has been running through my mind as I have been preparing to teach Doctrine and Covenants Sections 18 and 19 in Sunday School this month. I have learned by many experiences that God hears and answers prayers. I have also learned to give thanks for His many blessings. Many times have I prayed  "Lord, help me with --" or "please help my child, friend, spouse to --" What if I changed my thoughts and prayers from pleading for help  to asking "What wouldst thou have me do today?" How could this simple adjustment help me to feel closer to God? God is able to do a...