My crazy to Amazing

It all happened so quickly.  Thursday I learned that my mom's Adult Family Home was voluntarily closing its doors. The owner, one of 2 care providers, re-injured her back, necessitating surgery and possible end to her caregiving career. With our son's move on Saturday and a need to move mom within 30 days we had to get on it ASAP. I was so overwhelmed but knew it must all happen. So from Covid vaccine last Wednesday to searching for another AFH on Thursday,  Faslodex injections on Friday, son's move on Saturday, provider and sisterly plus spouses conversations on Sunday,  to a pop in visit to a friend today who told me about a private room in a very reputable AFH today who happens to be a friend (relative) of the current provider, who then contacted the potential provider and she reviewed the assessment and accepted mom's referral. And just like that - problem solved! For the past week I have struggled with insomnia, and night sweats, shivers, and trying to keep my brea...

Some changes no matter how much they are desired create pressure and discomfort. Our second eldest left the nest today, officially under his own rental agreement. This is a huge step, years and months in the making fraught with conflict mixed with reluctance and uncertainty. But oh what a relief to end this long arduous battle. To enable growth and maturation, there must be some catalyst for change.

A person diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, now with no current sign of malignancy ... I honestly doubted I would get here. Stage 4 cancer plays with your mind and your body. It plays with the numbers and odds. Am I now a winner?  Did I beat it? So long as the treatment remains effective, I am reminded. What about the tumor marker that is in an upward motion? Are they just beguiling little lies? What about the lingering shortness of breath, the random twinge of pain in my right chest? Are they evidence that my mind has fooled my body into behaving like I have cancer? Another chance to live again. Caution remains. Don't be foolish. Breathe without Caution You have a day, and another day, and another day after that.  Enjoy, Express yourself, Engage in living again...Everyday. You've got this!

Cancer diagnosis and treatment is well....a huge roller coaster ride. Test results came back today with the best news ever!! No evidence of malignancy.  The treatment is working! Exhale. SHINE!!

Ever notice those little typos in my blog posts? Accidental? Carelessness? Deliberate? Hurried?   My mind auto corrects each one of them blinding me before I publish.  Why not edit them once discovered? Maybe it's like piecing a homemade quilt? A little flaw only adds character and reminds me that perfection is illusive and in some situations not fully desirable.  Truthful full disclosure?  I would go back and edit each and every typo if it didn't change the original published date and reorder the entire blog.  (Notice "Holding hands with my cat" date and time stamp changed.) So, flawed I continue to write and publish publicly hoping that meaning conquers grammar.  I will save the grammar exercises for other arenas. Or, perhaps I'll proofread in reverse to reveal those pesky little errors before publishing.  It is an idea anyway. 

Sometimes I think I would have enjoyed being with Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, discovering the individual characteristics of all of Gods creations before corruption entered the world. Or maybe, I would have participated in the creation before man was formed from dust and ideas evolved into living organisms. I love to look at plants in a garden, examine the soil and creatures above and below the earth with my naked eye.  As a child I noticed colors,  textures, and smells (experienced more as sensations breezing through taste buds on my tongue due to my chronically stuff nose). Would I have named a flower a rose or a rabbit a bunny,  or a bird an eagle or a sparrow? Were names a revelation or recollection from pre-mortal knowledge like when Adam named Eve? I wonder.

There are moments where circumstances of my life or my inner critic leads to thoughts so significant that I feel a momentum swelling up into an emotional tsunami. My primitive brain screams "I am going to die!" and my body shouts "Hey, wait for me!!" Everything within me cautions me to protect, withdraw, and/or hide powerless. Much like a true tsunami these experiences often occur after a brief peaceful spell when I feel capable and I have experienced a glimpse of the divine within me. Why the PTSD, I sometimes wonder? What happened in my life that brings such a strong reaction to my fears? I cannot seem to draw a solid reasonable conclusion but at the base, my self-doubt can be a deep cavern. I recently learned a new way of self talk when I feel the sand shifting beneath my feet.  "I don't have to create the tsunami. I can dip my toes in the water. I am uncomfortable but nothing has gone wrong here. It is just a false alarm. I am ok." It is amazing ho...