wanted
When I entered my 88 year old mother's room this evening to tell her about her upcoming move she greeted me with "Oh, hi.
Lisa, I just want to die. I am not suicidal but I just don't want to go on. I am tired of this life. I have been praying for it to end, but I am still here."
I told her that I was hopeful that the upcoming move next week would be so much better for her. They have two caregivers at all times instead of one; seven in total. They have an in-house stylist for her hair at no additional cost, manicures and pedicures, a hospital bed with a pressure alternating mattress, chickens that the residents raised, a small dog, two cats. Her sister-in-law and daughters could visit indoors, along with her current AFH provider. She will be within proximity of where she currently resides. I showed her picturesof her new room, and ones sent by her new provider. "This is going to be better" I said. " I won't have (---caregiver---) yelling at me anymore? [When I don't understand what he wants me to do]." Mom responded. "It's going to be better, " I nodded.
"Mom, God loves you and hears your prayers." "You really think so," she responded. I said "I know so. He heard your prayers, my prayers, S's (current provider ) prayers...we are all worried about you. He heard us all and is answering all of our prayers. This new situation doesn't just fall into someone's lap, especially so quickly. The new provider says she is very happy to have you come live in her home." "She did? I haven't felt like I was wanted for a very long time. I never felt wanted here."
"God really loves you and wants you to feel joy again." I said with tenderness.
With watery eyes she replied "I feel a little hopeful that this change will be better for me".
It has been so difficult to watch this courageous refined woman steadily and gradually drift into despair.
She was a self-taught-seamstress, choir director, Clairol hair model, business partner, administrative secretary, avid Brittish mystery reader, Broadway musical and classical music aficionado, devoted wife, and mother of four girls. When Dad became ill with cancer followed by Alzheimers and Parkinson's the gloomy depression that haunted her from childhood grabbed hold of her body and soul. Dad passed and she was half-empty. Bi-lateral knee replacements, bladder incontinence, atrial fibulation, an ischemic stroke, hearing loss, dry macular degeneration, interstitial lung disease, and stage four kidney disease follow.
Downsizing annually from home to apartment to assisted living, into adult family home life.
By and by losing every pleasure but eating chocolates and caramels, and as of late losing pleasure in that too.
Further isolated by covid precautions, regular contact with nearly every friend gradually faded away. Alone in her room, hopeless, wishing her misery would graciously end.
And then a sudden unanticipated change, an environment previously not within reach, brings a glimmer of hope sparked by someone saying they want her.
Yes, God loves her. May these remaining days and years restore some joy into her life and an awareness of just how much she is loved and wanted ❤.
I have had similar conversations with my Mother. Most of her friends are gone and she misses them. As time takes it's toll on her memory it is painful to watch after seeing her as a strong woman who was so capable. Steve is going through the same thing with Sister Keller. I have so many memories of her as she gave Steve and I a piece of her mind (that I now cherish) and her strength. When I think of my first day in 1st Ward, I know it is when I met you and Lynnette in 1967, however I don't remember that part. I remember this giant woman who still is the face of Primary for me.
ReplyDeleteThe hard part is that we are quietly taking care of these phenomenal women and the situation does not lend to having visitors and get together where we can relive fond memories.
I am glad your Mother and Sister Keller have family who are willing to care for them.
While I am glad you posted this blog about your Mother and how see is now, I think I will continue to see her in my mind as that giant woman who was so amazing to me.
Rick, thank you for sharing this memory of my giant woman. It is so wonderful to remember mom through that lense.
ReplyDeleteI never saw the stern side of Sister Keller. I remember youth firesides, laughter, and service activities with Carol and Ward.
I remember your mother as quiet person. She was always engaged in some task and seemed happy to be doing things.
We have been blessed by our mothers and their friends.