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Soemday I may figure out how to combine the two blogs I have created over the years.  For now it you want a little more background, see Pebbles4penguins.blogspot.

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wanted

When I entered my 88 year old mother's room this evening to tell her about her upcoming move she greeted me with "Oh, hi. Lisa, I just want to die. I am not suicidal but I just don't want to go on. I am tired of this life. I have been praying for it to end, but I am still here." I told her that I was hopeful that the upcoming move next week would be so much better for her. They have two caregivers at all times instead of one; seven in total. They have an in-house stylist for her hair at no additional cost, manicures and pedicures, a hospital bed with a pressure alternating mattress, chickens that the residents raised, a small dog, two cats. Her sister-in-law and daughters could visit indoors, along with her current AFH provider. She will be within proximity of where she currently resides. I showed her picturesof her new room, and ones sent by her new provider. "This is going to be better" I said. " I won't have (---caregiver---) yelling at me anymor...
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emotional tsunami

There are moments where circumstances of my life or my inner critic leads to thoughts so significant that I feel a momentum swelling up into an emotional tsunami. My primitive brain screams "I am going to die!" and my body shouts "Hey, wait for me!!" Everything within me cautions me to protect, withdraw, and/or hide powerless. Much like a true tsunami these experiences often occur after a brief peaceful spell when I feel capable and I have experienced a glimpse of the divine within me. Why the PTSD, I sometimes wonder? What happened in my life that brings such a strong reaction to my fears? I cannot seem to draw a solid reasonable conclusion but at the base, my self-doubt can be a deep cavern. I recently learned a new way of self talk when I feel the sand shifting beneath my feet.  "I don't have to create the tsunami. I can dip my toes in the water. I am uncomfortable but nothing has gone wrong here. It is just a false alarm. I am ok." It is amazing ho...
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flying the coup

Some changes no matter how much they are desired create pressure and discomfort. Our second eldest left the nest today, officially under his own rental agreement. This is a huge step, years and months in the making fraught with conflict mixed with reluctance and uncertainty. But oh what a relief to end this long arduous battle. To enable growth and maturation, there must be some catalyst for change.
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