My crazy to Amazing

So many thoughts, so much to think about. I attended a celebration of life for a sweet 3 year old girl named Zion. What a miracle of pure love and light, with a mother of tremendous faith and vision. I smelled smoke in the air from fires around and added oxygen back to my routine. Breathing comes easier with my 02 friend. I taught a class on Doctrine and Covenants 85-88. What a testimony builder that God loves us all and provides a way for his work to be done while attending to the needs of every person here on earth.  I prepared for a surgery that was postponed for two weeks or more due to the number of Covid patients in the local hospitals. I listened to the news reports of the Taliban taking control of Kahbul, capital of Afghanistan at the withdrawal of US forces. I read of a woman who was listening to the deep painful cries when her neighbor downstairs learned that her son was killed. There are so many thoughts of goodness and sadness, confidence and fear crashing like waves in...

Ever been caught in the medical net?  I am not talking about a safety net. I am talking about the net that leaves you in a tangle without resolution.  It happens in "complex cases". Primary care refers to Oncology, which refers to Cardiology,  who refers to Primary Care, who refers to Oncology,  who refers to Pulmonary, and so on. They all tell you that it doesn't appear to be related to any specific specialty. The symptoms don't align but the symptoms are measurable. Latest thought-Maybe a blood clot? So hurry and wait for imaging referral approval.  Hurry and wait for test. Hurry and wait for results.   Thankfully, I am on oxygen therapy in the meanwhile so I can breathe, move, and think better than the previous 21 days. Meanwhile, I want to garden, to ride my bike, to go and do...but I wait for my body to recover and medical network to uncover. It takes a lot of patience to be a "complex case".

The young girl in me loves a good horse story. The adolescent in me is inspired by girl power stories. The mother in me longs to see persons with disabilities portrayed the same as any other character role in a movie. Trifecta -  Ride Like A Girl  Netflix 

What’s Spoon Theory? “ The Spoon Theory ”, a personal story by Christine Miserandino, is popular among many people dealing with chronic illness. It describes perfectly this idea of limited energy, using “spoons” as a unit of energy. I learned about the Spoon Theory while participating in LiveStrong after my MBC  The life events of March 2021 have taught me the following: When I am stubbornly determined, I feel like I am gathering spoons from obscure hidden closets within my body. Using these reserves, I am able to accomplish more than I initially thought I could handle. Once the spoons are gone, my body and mind are spent ... bone dry. I lose the ability to focus. My body heavily sinks into whatever position that requires minimal effort to support it and I become an exposed turtle outside its protective shell. Uncomfortable at my exposure I may lash at others seeking to advise or console me. I may reflexively respond to irritations with adrenaline, very short-term. I have to rest.....

My mother's move prompted me to reconnect with some of her long-time friends. What wonderful women and wonderful memories. Their friendship began and strengthened through participation in a monthly book club.They all had their favorite parts of book club. Marsha loved WWII and inspirational literature introducing the members to works like The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Bloom and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Lynn favored leading the discussions with thoughtful questions from fastidious notes taken as she read each and every book, often the first to obtain a copy and read. Mom contributed her love for British literature, which for a awhile also included volumes of the No.1 Ladies Detective Agency series, and novels by Anne Perry. Candi and Sydney, her mother in law, faithfully attended and contributed to book discussions and occasional organized movie viewing for a book at the Pine Valley Ranch theater room. Glynis leaned toward non-fiction and philosophical books. I was among sev...

When I entered my 88 year old mother's room this evening to tell her about her upcoming move she greeted me with "Oh, hi. Lisa, I just want to die. I am not suicidal but I just don't want to go on. I am tired of this life. I have been praying for it to end, but I am still here." I told her that I was hopeful that the upcoming move next week would be so much better for her. They have two caregivers at all times instead of one; seven in total. They have an in-house stylist for her hair at no additional cost, manicures and pedicures, a hospital bed with a pressure alternating mattress, chickens that the residents raised, a small dog, two cats. Her sister-in-law and daughters could visit indoors, along with her current AFH provider. She will be within proximity of where she currently resides. I showed her picturesof her new room, and ones sent by her new provider. "This is going to be better" I said. " I won't have (---caregiver---) yelling at me anymor...

It all happened so quickly.  Thursday I learned that my mom's Adult Family Home was voluntarily closing its doors. The owner, one of 2 care providers, re-injured her back, necessitating surgery and possible end to her caregiving career. With our son's move on Saturday and a need to move mom within 30 days we had to get on it ASAP. I was so overwhelmed but knew it must all happen. So from Covid vaccine last Wednesday to searching for another AFH on Thursday,  Faslodex injections on Friday, son's move on Saturday, provider and sisterly plus spouses conversations on Sunday,  to a pop in visit to a friend today who told me about a private room in a very reputable AFH today who happens to be a friend (relative) of the current provider, who then contacted the potential provider and she reviewed the assessment and accepted mom's referral. And just like that - problem solved! For the past week I have struggled with insomnia, and night sweats, shivers, and trying to keep my brea...

Some changes no matter how much they are desired create pressure and discomfort. Our second eldest left the nest today, officially under his own rental agreement. This is a huge step, years and months in the making fraught with conflict mixed with reluctance and uncertainty. But oh what a relief to end this long arduous battle. To enable growth and maturation, there must be some catalyst for change.

A person diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, now with no current sign of malignancy ... I honestly doubted I would get here. Stage 4 cancer plays with your mind and your body. It plays with the numbers and odds. Am I now a winner?  Did I beat it? So long as the treatment remains effective, I am reminded. What about the tumor marker that is in an upward motion? Are they just beguiling little lies? What about the lingering shortness of breath, the random twinge of pain in my right chest? Are they evidence that my mind has fooled my body into behaving like I have cancer? Another chance to live again. Caution remains. Don't be foolish. Breathe without Caution You have a day, and another day, and another day after that.  Enjoy, Express yourself, Engage in living again...Everyday. You've got this!

Cancer diagnosis and treatment is well....a huge roller coaster ride. Test results came back today with the best news ever!! No evidence of malignancy.  The treatment is working! Exhale. SHINE!!

Ever notice those little typos in my blog posts? Accidental? Carelessness? Deliberate? Hurried?   My mind auto corrects each one of them blinding me before I publish.  Why not edit them once discovered? Maybe it's like piecing a homemade quilt? A little flaw only adds character and reminds me that perfection is illusive and in some situations not fully desirable.  Truthful full disclosure?  I would go back and edit each and every typo if it didn't change the original published date and reorder the entire blog.  (Notice "Holding hands with my cat" date and time stamp changed.) So, flawed I continue to write and publish publicly hoping that meaning conquers grammar.  I will save the grammar exercises for other arenas. Or, perhaps I'll proofread in reverse to reveal those pesky little errors before publishing.  It is an idea anyway. 

Sometimes I think I would have enjoyed being with Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, discovering the individual characteristics of all of Gods creations before corruption entered the world. Or maybe, I would have participated in the creation before man was formed from dust and ideas evolved into living organisms. I love to look at plants in a garden, examine the soil and creatures above and below the earth with my naked eye.  As a child I noticed colors,  textures, and smells (experienced more as sensations breezing through taste buds on my tongue due to my chronically stuff nose). Would I have named a flower a rose or a rabbit a bunny,  or a bird an eagle or a sparrow? Were names a revelation or recollection from pre-mortal knowledge like when Adam named Eve? I wonder.

There are moments where circumstances of my life or my inner critic leads to thoughts so significant that I feel a momentum swelling up into an emotional tsunami. My primitive brain screams "I am going to die!" and my body shouts "Hey, wait for me!!" Everything within me cautions me to protect, withdraw, and/or hide powerless. Much like a true tsunami these experiences often occur after a brief peaceful spell when I feel capable and I have experienced a glimpse of the divine within me. Why the PTSD, I sometimes wonder? What happened in my life that brings such a strong reaction to my fears? I cannot seem to draw a solid reasonable conclusion but at the base, my self-doubt can be a deep cavern. I recently learned a new way of self talk when I feel the sand shifting beneath my feet.  "I don't have to create the tsunami. I can dip my toes in the water. I am uncomfortable but nothing has gone wrong here. It is just a false alarm. I am ok." It is amazing ho...

Yesterday I heard an explanation of perfection. It is like a straight line that we cannot walk. Instead we walk paths in an up and down motion which periodically intersects with the straight line, and at those moments we experience perfection. I think of joy that way. Periodically throughout life we intersect with moments of pure joy. They are not lasting, but they occur often enough that recognize the intersection and desire it to last.

 "Lord, I would Follow Thee"    Text:   Susan Evans McCloud, b. 1945. © 1985 IRI                                                         Music:  K. Newell Dayley, b. 1939. © 1985 IRI This hymn has been running through my mind as I have been preparing to teach Doctrine and Covenants Sections 18 and 19 in Sunday School this month. I have learned by many experiences that God hears and answers prayers. I have also learned to give thanks for His many blessings. Many times have I prayed  "Lord, help me with --" or "please help my child, friend, spouse to --" What if I changed my thoughts and prayers from pleading for help  to asking "What wouldst thou have me do today?" How could this simple adjustment help me to feel closer to God? God is able to do a...

I grew up with many labels attached to me..."nice", "peacemaker", "gentle", "kind"... to name a few. It took years to understand that this represents only part of my personality and that by suppressing thoughts an emotions incongruous with these labels, I was muting a good part of my personality and personal expression. I became adept at denying to myself and others emotions contrary to these descriptive labels. Things like fear, excitement,  anger, sadness, were suppressed and swept beneath the surface. They weren't gone, only shoved deeply into an emotional vault.  They did escape the vault on occasion but were quickly executed or stuffed back into a emotional prison.  Working at a psychiatric facility as a health technician for many years, I learned to not react in therapeutic and non-threatening ways to verbal and physical assault, loud or soft crazy expressions of psychosis, rage, inhumane behaviors,  and blatant vulgarity. For the needs...

I am learning that it is so important to check in and listen to my thoughts.  Historically, I have ignored them, dismissed them, run from them, hidden them, and become overwhelmed by them. But in reality thoughts in and of themselves are not so scarey.  If I check into them: Listen Evaluate Acknowledge Sift, process, and toss what isn't truthful.... They become manageble. If change is needed, I can add it to my daily plan or goals for the year.  When I ignore them,  I depreciate myself and that can adversely affect my emotions, health, and relationships.  Thoughts can be friends and powerful teachers.

Sometimes it is like selecting clothing from my closet, trying it on and seeing if it fits, matches my mood, or reflects the plans I have for the day.  From Pebbles4Penguins to My crazy to Amazing, it has changed a few times over the years.  I plan to wear this one for a season.

I teach Gospel Doctrine for  Sunday School in our ward and have been asked to do up to a 20 min virtual video accessible through YouTube for each of my lessons. This has been a trial for me. For one, I do not like to talk into a video for even a minute. It is like talking to myself in a mirror. Talk about a inner self critic in overdrive! Each lesson results in a laborious song and dance with multiple rehearsals before uploading what finally evolves into a video lesson on the ward Facebook page. Oddly enough I don't mind writing into the big space for anyone who might want to read my thoughts or ramblings but a video is so very intimidating!! So, brilliant me decided to do a PowerPoint on video with a voice recording. I used You Tube to instruct me how it is done, and after much trial and error I completed the PowerPoint and saved it.  It has been a ridiculously long and unsuccessful process trying to save it to a recognizable mp4 file that can upload to You Tube. I even downl...

“Times of affliction and disappointment do not change the watchful eye of the Lord as He favorably looks upon us, blessing us.” —  Elder Gary E. Stevenson , Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

This last week reminded me of the many ways I allow external circumstances and pressures to sideline my progress in living my divine truth.  Triggers: - Unplanned and uncomfortable events - Planned events that seem overwhelming to me - Uncomfortable decisions  Choices: Default: - procrastinating and avoiding - shutting down and muting my thoughts / voice - distractions through social media or TV - eating without regard to nutritional benefits  Alternatives: - dive in - speak up - choose with intent - connect with my thoughts - write - paint - clean something that has been neglected  Succumbing to default for a moment does not mean derailed. It means, okay, get back on board. Let's go!